Telling Time

This essay was originally published on Medium on October 17th 2023.

Given Halo 2’s reputation as the game that brought online multiplayer shooters to the masses, there’s been a lot of debate in the nearly twenty years since its release regarding which of the game’s multiplayer maps is the best.

But despite all this discussion, no one seems to have answered the most important question.

“Which Halo 2 map is the best one to visit on holiday?”

Whilst I don’t claim to know much about travel and tourism, I have been to Clacton-on-Sea, so I think I know a good holiday when I see one. And since I’ve spent more time in the multiplayer lobbies of Halo 2 than I have in any real life location, I feel I’m perfectly qualified to answer this question.

Let’s start by scraping the bottom of the barrel, with a look at the location in last place.

Elongation — #25

Taking the crown for the most miserable potential holiday destination is Elongation. If your favourite part of a holiday is being crammed into the Easy Jet, and you feel the experience could only be improved by riding inside the cargo hold, then maybe you might enjoy Elongation. Otherwise, hard avoid.

Your only hope is that since Elongation is aboard an orbital freighter, it might be going somewhere interesting. Regardless, you’ll still have to spend the entire journey going endlessly back and forth a pair of conveyor belts like you’re a piece of sashimi in the universe’s least interesting Yo Sushi.

Backwash — #24

Backwash has the decency to look pretty much exactly as disgusting as its name suggests. In a world of false advertising and misleading promises in the tourism industry, its nice to see a travel destination maintain some sense of honesty.

The fog-clad swamp of Backwash might appeal to more adventurous holiday makers, but there isn’t much else going for it. Bungie ceased all travel to Backwash back in 2006 when they removed it from the game, which led to that kind of unwarranted clamouring for something that we can’t enjoy whenever we want (much like the McRib or Pumpkin Spice Latte), ignoring the fact that Backwash clearly stinks horrendously and also poses a genuine health hazard, (again, much like the McRib or Pumpkin Spice Latte).

The common downsides of holidaying in a swamp, such as developing trench foot or getting sucked dry by mosquitoes, would be among the least of your concerns in Backwash, as it’s situated on top of a Flood containment facility, which is probably the worst place in the known universe to put a holiday destination. That said, Flood containment facilities have a pretty excellent history of essentially never failing, so I doubt that would ever pose a problem.

Colossus — #23

I have no idea why any sane adult would visit a gas mine for their holiday, but then again I have no idea why any sane adult would visit Dubai, and that place attracts 14 million tourists a year. At least Colossus wasn’t built by slave labour (at least as far as we know).

Ascension — #22

Ascension has the kind of hazy, anxiety-inducing emptiness you might expect from a holiday taken into the middle of a painkiller-induced fever dream, if that fever dream had been generated by feeding DALL-E the prompt “liminal space, surrealism, no more than five polygons”.

Whilst Ascension has long been regarded as one of the best Halo 2 maps for playing Halo 2 in, I maintain it’s probably one of the worst to visit on holiday. Ascension never sees the sun, it’s perched on top of a barren rock formation, and it’s totally devoid of any entertainment.

The only positive I can think of that Ascension offers is that the entire thing is a giant communications dish, so at least it should be easy to ask someone to come and pick you up the instant you’ve unpacked your luggage and realised you’ve chosen to holiday on Delta Halo’s bleakest rock.

Burial Mounds — #21

Among the steadily growing list of maps with horrendous names for holiday destinations is Burial Mounds, but is it really as poor of a travel spot as its name suggests? Yes, yes it is. Not only is Burial Mounds situated in an utterly lifeless dust bowl, it’s also under constant aerial barrage from chunks of the destroyed Alpha Halo ring raining down upon its surface. Bring a very sturdy umbrella.

Perhaps there’s some appeal as an adventure holiday destination, if you’re into quad biking, dune surfing, or lacking access to drinking water. Yet any positives of Burial Mounds are vastly overshadowed by the fact that it’s also the forward operating base used by Sesa ‘Refumee’s Heretics, which makes vacationing in Burial Mounds about as wise as planning a camping trip to Breslau during the 30 Years War.

Lockout — #20

If you’re after a mountaineering holiday then maybe there’s some impetus to visit Lockout. Beyond that though, its just an abandoned research facility clinging to the ledge of a frigid mountain. It might be one of the most popular maps for MLG Halo players, but it’s easily one of the worst to visit on holiday. There’s also a hallway of stasis pods, one of which has clearly been broken out of. There’s probably no worse thing a stasis pod could be than “broken out of”.

Foundation — #19

Foundation can be found on Earth in Chicago’s Industrial Zone 08. It’s a Tactical Autonomous Robotic Defence System test facility that uses live ammunition turrets to trial robotic drone combatants, making it one of the safest places to visit in Chicago.

Headlong — #18

New Mombasa has a lot going for it: one of Earth’s largest cities, the first space elevator, faultless AI operated infrastructure. Unfortunately, whilst found in New Mombasa, Headlong is also just an under construction traffic intersection.

There’s a sea view here, which is a bonus, but Section 14 (the home of Headlong) is also an operational harbour district, and operational harbour districts are famous for being some of the worst places to spend any leisure time unless you’re a mob boss in a Scorcese movie.

If the road was ever completed, you could use it to drive to parts of New Mombasa that are actually worth visiting. But I’ve been playing Halo 2 for years and I’ve never seen a single construction worker on this map, so I wouldn’t count on that happening any time soon.

Tombstone — #17

Tombstone suffers from the same illness as Burial Mounds, that is, having a name utterly repellent to most tourists. Unlike Burial Mounds however, there’s actually some things to see and do in Tombstone. Unfortunately, the thing to see is a decommissioned munitions testing facility, and the thing to do is getting blow to pieces by a fusion coil.

Warlock — #16

At first glance Warlock seems like a strong contender. I could imagine this ancient ruin buried in the jungle has a lot to entice tourists.

Yet this temple is beaten by others that appear later in the list because, as is detailed in the Multiplayer Map Pack Manual, Warlock exudes an “unmistakable sense of foreboding that soon drives both [humans and Covenant] from its grim and questionable shelter.” If I wanted to spend my holiday in the ruins of a forgotten civilisation so unpleasant that they physically repulse visitors, then I’d just go to Blackpool.

Containment — #15

Given that Containment is described within the Multiplayer Map Pack Manual as “part fortress, part laboratory, … a prison within a prison. [A] frozen swathe of tundra [that] lies lifeless and barren,” you might be thinking “well that sounds like a horrible holiday destination,” but I’m going to throw a curveball here.

Yes, you’d be staying within meters of a giant quarantine wall designed to imprison the universe’s mostly deadly parasite, but the fact that the wall is staffed year round by Sentinels means that you can always count on any necessary repairs being made within a timely manner, more than can be said for a Premier Inn. The canyon also obviously also makes a good spot for winter sports.

Beyond this, there’s an awe inspiring charm to monolithic architecture erupting out of the snow, and I’m clearly not the only one who thinks this, given the thousands of Instagram accounts with names all variations on the theme of Brutalism_USSR or SOVIETCONCRETE. However, much like how the Western European followers of these accounts would turn to dust if they spent more than an hour anywhere further east of Budapest, I fear I might similarly lose patience with Containment shortly after finishing my first roll of 35mm film.

Midship — #14

As the name suggests, Midship is buried in the midship of a Covenant battle cruiser, the Pious Inquisitor. This makes Midship the Halo 2 equivalent of going on a cruise holiday. Unlike a cruise ship however, the Pious Inquisitor is filled with alien religious fundamentalists desperate to remove all traces of any species that disagrees with their strict belief system from the galaxy, which makes them about twice as tolerant and open-minded as the average Brit on a cruise holiday. The only entertainment to be found on Midship is evading the Covenant soldiers trying to disembowel you with energy swords, but the only entertainment on a regular cruise ship is an X-Factor runner-up from 2012 crooning whilst you assault the buffet, which makes Midship far superior.

Desolation — #13

Desolation has very little going for it as a holiday destination, but it also doesn’t really have anything wrong with it, which naturally catapults it halfway up the list.

There’s not really anywhere to sleep, there’s not really anything to do, and there’s also not really anything to see, but it also wasn’t created to house, contain or quarantine aliens that climb into your nose and turn your brain into gravy, so that’s a huge plus.

Gemini — #12

Gemini is a tranquil sanctuary located in the Garden of Reverent Contemplation. It’s fitting that the only location on this list named after a zodiac sign is the ideal travel location for people who earnestly use the word “wanderlust”. Gemini is the space tourism destination for backpackers who like to take flash photography in medieval churches or visit temples wearing a tank top.

In the centre of the garden sits a statue of the High Prophet of Truth, which would no doubt make an excellent religious relic to damage irreparably whilst climbing atop for a selfie. The Covenant are also famously incredibly tolerant so I can’t imagine they’d mind.

There’s also a gift shop that sells really baggy trousers with geometric patterns of elephants on them.

Terminal — #11

One of the huge benefits of Terminal is that it’s situated in the heart of New Mombasa, and anyone who’s played Halo ODST knows there’s no shortage of things to do in the heart of New Mombasa. However, much like Headlong, Terminal is just another transport intersection.

Terminal still manages to beat Headlong by being: 1) a train station, not a road, and 2) not permanently under construction. I imagine tourists would be attracted by an opportunity to ride the Maglev, but whilst I’ve seen it flatten numerous people, I’ve never actually seen it stop to allow passengers on or off.

Whilst there’s not much to do in Litawoni Station itself, Terminal gets a bonus point for probably being well connected to other, better parts of New Mombasa. But if simply being a well connected transport hub was a good criteria for choosing a holiday destination, then I’d just recommend you go to Frankfurt, and I’d never recommend you go to Frankfurt.

District — #10

Now we’re getting somewhere. Being in an actual human city gives any potential destination a huge advantage, and this location isn’t an unfinished junction nor a train station, so that’s another win.

Not only does District boast shops, an atrium, and a theatre, but there’s also a three level car park, giving it an edge on convenience. Given that most other destinations on this list require access to at least a Stalwart-class light frigate equipped with a series IV slipspace drive to reach, it’s refreshing to find somewhere you could get to in a Ford Fiesta.

Beaver Creek — #9

You know Beaver Creek is going to make a strong contender for best holiday destination because it actually sounds like one. If Booking.com* whittled down your available hotel options to ‘Beaver Creek’ and ‘Backwash’, I bet good money you wouldn’t be clicking on ‘Backwash,’ even if they did offer a free continental breakfast.

Beaver Creek is nestled in the centre of a lush canyon, with its eponymous creek peacefully flowing through the centre. Visitors have a choice of two lodges to stay in, both of which offer a commanding view of the landscape. If you’re looking for a good spot for a hiking holiday and you don’t care that you’re sleeping in the control unit of a colossal power generator that feeds Delta Halo’s translocation grid, then Beaver Creek is the spot for you. Of course if that does bother you, you can just camp out under the stars.

I’m deducting one point because there are, unfortunately, no actual beavers anywhere near this creek, likely because its located on Delta Halo, an artificially crafted super weapon floating through space, and not in the USA, which is an artificially crafted super weapon that sits firmly on earth.

*this article is not sponsored.

Waterworks — #8

The Blue Grotto. Mammoth Cave. Skocjan Jame. Caves are generally a big draw for tourism, so you’d think Waterworks, a beautiful subterranean cavern, would be higher up this list, and really it should be.

Yet Waterworks has one massive feature working to the detriment of its success as a holiday location, and that’s that no one actually knows where it is. Whilst this would definitely add a sense of prestige to this potential underground resort, tourists still need to actually be able to get to a destination, no matter how exclusive it is. Monaco is one of the world’s most selective travel destinations, but I could still theoretically drive there, even if I would be instantly rejected at the border the moment they learned I wasn’t paying for my holiday with inheritance, a trust fund, or a blood diamond.

Coagulation — #7

Coagulation improves on Beaver Creek in almost every way, aside perhaps from its notable lack of a creek. I award it a comfortable seventh place.

Relic — #6

Relic achieves one of the higher rankings awarded to destinations found upon Delta Halo, thanks to it being a relatively typical holiday location; an island with sandy beaches. Relic brings many of the benefits of Coagulation, but also, it’s on a beach, so that’s great.

However, I’m not sure how one would reach Relic aside from dropping onto its surface in a Single Occupant Exoatmospheric Insertion Vehicle like an ODST. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single functioning boat in a Halo game.

Turf — #5

Turf is District improved in one major way; its an actually walkable city. Turf takes all the attractions of holidaying in a city centre: shops, accommodation, the wreckage of an alien Ultra-Heavy Walking Assault Platform — and condenses them into an area easily explored on foot.

Uplift — #4

Much like how travel blogs tell you to go to Ljubljana, Slovenia instead of Prague, Czechia if you’re on a budget, I imagine travel blogs in 2552 recommend Relic as a budget alternative to Uplift.

Uplift is almost identical to Relic in that it’s another sandy island on Delta Halo, but if you think it’s just another sandy island on Delta Halo, you’re wrong. Uplift is not only the best sandy island ever featured in any Halo game, but also the best beach ever featured, for one simple reason: you can actually swim in the water. Can you imagine travelling several light years to relax on a sandy island on Delta Halo only to discover that entering the water instantly sets your K/D to -1? People who paid for a budget flight to Relic don’t have to imagine. You however, you can relax smugly on Uplift knowing the extra several thousand UNSC Credits were worth it.

Ivory Tower — #3

☑︎ Is on Earth.
☑ Specifically designed for leisure time.
☑ City view.
☑ Class conscious pun for a name.
☑ Coconut trees that provide real coconuts.

Ivory Tower is incredibly close to being the ideal holiday destination. It’s unfortunate that the entirety of this “public park” is enclosed within the top of a high rise tower and not, you know, outside, but we can’t have everything.

Not suitable for guests with young children — there’s only one elevator to the top floor and it doesn’t even have any railings let alone actual doors.

Zanzibar — #2

I’ll comfortably argue that Zanzibar is one of the best maps to ever grace the Halo franchise, and that’s why it pains me to admit that whilst it performs pretty excellently, it probably wouldn’t make the perfect holiday destination that I wish it could.

Zanzibar takes the promise of the beach holiday that Relic does, and combines that with the proximity to civilisation offered by the city locations. It hits the perfect balance of being more visually interesting than some of the other beaches on the list, whilst being more relaxing and isolated than the other city spots.

Yet Zanzibar is prevented from being an ideal travel location due to the fact that it’s a power station, which is only marginally more appealing than a gas mine. The place might look pleasant, but you know that giant turbine would be unbearably loud. I’ve no interest in bringing earplugs on holiday.

It’s also worth remembering that, like most bodies of water in the Halo games, and also the tap water in Luton, the water off the beach of Zanzibar kills you instantly.

Also you’re not even allowed to eat the Soffish.

Sanctuary — #1

Sanctuary earns the number one spot on the list for being an ideal tourism destination. If there are any three things that always attract tourists they are: nature, seclusion, ancient ruins. Sanctuary has all three. Even just the name alone sounds like a luxury resort.

This long forgotten temple is complete with waterfalls and aqueducts (two more things tourists go crazy for) and is buried within a forest on a fortress installation designed to be devoid of life, so you don’t have to worry about any other tourists wandering into the background of your photos.

I can imagine that the awestruck sense of a connection with the past one might experience when inside Sanctuary could perhaps only be compared to standing in front of one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, but the only one of those left is the Pyramid of Giza, and there the illusion of gazing upon an untouched relic of times long past has been shattered by the fact that someone’s erected a Pizza Hut behind it.

Thanks for reading.